Musings: Further Along The Road

Once again I have been on a writing hiatus.  It has led me to realize that I am unable to multi-task on many levels.  I have always understood “multi-tasking” to mean the ability to do more than one specific task at a time.  I am sure I have already mentioned in previous postings that this is very difficult for me to do. My brain and my body just don’t function well in multi-tasking mode.

I am always so amazed when I walk by my husband when he is working at his computer. I really should say “computers” – plural, because, although he has one computer (on his main desk – I’ll explain in a minute!), he has two screens and sometimes he is multi-tasking between the two and sometimes he is also multi-tasking on each screen.  My brain just cannot hold that!  It’s way too mind-boggling for me.

Apart from his main desk, he also has a secondary desk which holds another computer and recording equipment which he uses to create his “podcasts”.  When he is all set up to record in that space, it looks rather like an old-fashioned radio show.  He wears headphones and has a microphone in front of him and I almost expect him to break out into acapella singing.  Since he has been indulging in this activity, which is all linked to his web page work, (www.windowsobserver.com), I sometimes think of the computer room/office as a recording studio too.

The lessons I have learned about myself in the last couple of months are myriad.  I have lost three friends in that time frame.  Two were “expected”.  Is death ever expected?  The two people, although unconnected in any other way, had actually been struggling with the same lung disease over several years.  The third friend’s death came out of left field and left me, and many other common friends as well as his wife, completely mind- and heart-slammed. The first friend, died on 26th October 2011, the second friend died about mid-November, and the third friend died 16 December.

In other words, just as I was absorbing the news of one death the second occurred, and so it was for the third.  In the meantime, as death was occurring, life was going on.  Normal everyday events, commitments, and activities continued on despite what was going on in heart and mind.  Meetings were attended, friends were attended to, school and its accompanying homework had to be dealt with, volunteer commitments were kept, I participated in a retreat, Thanksgiving came and went as did Christmas, and on and off, in the back of my mind, was the little nagging voice that said “I need to write”.

As I look back, I realize that I was actually multi-tasking in general across the board of all these events.  Just to be able to deal with everyday life as well as grieve, and support others who were grieving, was a huge multi-tasking effort of its own, and I am so grateful for my relationship with God and my strong support network of spiritual friends who help me to get through tough times such as these and still stay sane. 

But to hold all this together and allow the Muse of creativity to come forward is, for me, an impossible task.  I have to put great energy into honoring and dealing with difficult situations and emotions such as death and grief, and there is little energy left for anything else.  And I need to honor myself and where I’m at in all of that and allow the various processes to sweep through me.  It is all important to my personal and spiritual growth.

So now, as I sit here and look out my window (no working on the lanai today, we had a near-freeze last night!), I feel some of the tension surrounding these recent events slipping away.  Even though it is too cold to sit outside right now, the sun is shining brilliantly, the sky is that crisp, clean, light cerulean blue that only winter can bring forth, and I am breathing deeply and easily as I notice the hawks circling above the pine trees, the other birds swooping across and into the garden, and the squirrels frolicking on the backyard fence.  Muse is creeping slowly back into my heart, honoring and respecting where I have been and gently inviting my fingers to once again play across the keyboard and put the words on the screen.