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Musings: Our Mortality

Yet another friend has returned to the great eternity.  Just over a year ago I dealt with the passing of five people who were close to me, some more than others.  Four of them died within a seven-week span, and the fifth, my dear church sister Susan, just two months after that.  At the time I remember feeling a sense of dis-ease, and although I have many spiritual tools and good friends to help me deal with this kind of thing, I was aware of “descending into greyness” and came to the conclusion that I was in a mild depression, which is not abnormal or alarming given the circumstances.

Last Thanksgiving, as Rich and I spent our now traditional week down in Orlando, I was on the computer and needed to make a rare (for me) foray into Facebook.  While there I found an entry by Rosa, the daughter of a dear old friend, Santiago.  Santiago was an engineer who I came to know very well, along with his wife Josefina, when I lived on the island of La Maddalena in Sardinia, Italy in the 70’s.  But more than an engineer, Santiago was an artist.  He painted using many mediums, he created exquisite mosaics, and he was a talented guitar player and writer.  Santiago was also my unofficial mentor, and he re-awoke my dormant Muse and I began writing and painting again.

Rosa’s posting was a photo of Josefina, and the caption read: “Here’s Mummy putting roses on Pappy’s tomb for his birthday.”  My hands froze over the computer keyboard as the significance of those words sank in.  I contacted Rosa immediately and she confirmed the sad news that Santiago had had a very serious stroke from which he had never recovered, and that he had passed last April.  Once the initial feelings of deep grief subsided, I was able to feel so grateful for his presence in my life and also for the fact that just two years ago my husband had gifted me with a week-long trip to Puerto Rico so that I could visit Santiago and Josefina and spend some wonderful time with them after about twenty five years of absence.

On our way home from that stay in Orlando, Rich and I stopped to visit with old friends from our time in Italy.  PA had been Richard’s Department Head on his first ship, U.S.S. Belknap (since decommissioned) in Gaeta, Italy in the mid-80’s, and then in the 90’s he had been his CO on another tour in Naples, Italy.  PA retired in the early 2000’s and on New Year’s Day 2006 he had a massive brain aneurism which robbed him of motor coordination and most speech.  He and Deb, his devoted wife, returned to live in DeBary, FL in 2007.  PA was wheelchair bound and had very little communication capability but when we visited them, which coincided with our Orlando trips each year, we could see that PA was “still there”.  Recognition and interest would flare in his eyes and we somehow knew that he appreciated our visit.

During the evening of 3 January 2013, we heard from Deb that PA was not long for this world and, in fact, he died in the early hours of the next day.  Yesterday we attended his funeral Mass and my husband was asked to speak about PA on behalf of the family.  As I heard Rich’s words of appreciation for this man, I was also drawn to my own place of gratitude – gratitude not only for PA and all he represented both as a a Naval officer and as a family man, and for the opportunity we had to know the whole family and be enriched by their presence in our lives, but also for life in general, the precious gift that it is, and for friendship and the gift that that is. I was also grateful that God had given us the opportunity to be present and supportive to our friends at their time of loss and deep personal grief.

As I remembered our last visit with Deb and PA, I then thought about the passing of my beloved soul-sister Cawne the week following Thanksgiving.  I will be writing a separated posting about Cawne because of the important place she held in my heart and in my life.  All that I will say here is that she was one of three people near and dear to me that I have lost recently all in the space of seven weeks.  That makes a grand total of eight losses in just over fourteen months.  I cannot help but wonder what is the “message” or the lesson behind all that loss, and I have been resting in the Creator’s loving arms about that.

There are three themes that have surfaced.  The first is that I have been prepared to carry this weight and, in dealing with my own grief, I have been able to support many people as they have journeyed through their grief. The second is related to my preparation as a spiritual director.  I firmly believe that I am being groomed to help others as they deal with their grief, to be a spiritual companion in this particular stage of peoples’ lives.  And the third is that I believe Creator is also teaching me about and gently bringing me closer to full acceptance of my own mortality.

And so as I close this blog I am also acutely aware that I want to write another blog dedicated to this particular topic.  So many people, in the Western world are scared to think about death and dying and live in a state of complete fear and denial of death, especially their own or that of their loved ones.  And yet death is the one thing that we are guaranteed to have to face in life.  Because of personal denial of the possibility of death and the general culture surrounding death in the Western world, many people are completely unprepared for the moment. Without being morbid,  I want to write about the subject so that whoever reads about it can choose to be somewhat prepared.

Reconnecting: Awakening the Muse

I have been silent for a long time.  Several months at least, and it has been hard.  Hard to not write; hard to attempt to write.  It’s hard not to write because the words are still in there, in my heart, my mind, and my soul and it’s like they are being stifled, suffocated.  But at the same time, when I’m going through this non-writing phase, it’s also very difficult for me to try and “force” the writing.  I also get very lethargic and don’t feel the energy moving in me to actually sit down and allow the creative juices to flow.

I’m not sure why this happens to me from time to time.  Sometimes it follows a major disruption in my normal routine, or a major difficulty or issue that hits me. I find it very difficult to get back on track with anything once my usual schedule is out of whack for whatever reason.  You know the kind of thing:  I get going into a good exercise routine, something comes along to break that routine and six months later I’m wondering where my exercise routine went.  Or perhaps I’ve managed to get started on a “cleaner” nutrition kick and, again, something comes up to interrupt that and six months later I’m feeling physically very sluggish and know that it has to do with the fact that I’m not eating right – again.

A possible reason may be tied to the fact that I am not a multi-tasker.  What does that have to do with writing or not writing you may ask.  Well it’s just that once I get out of routine it takes an enormous effort on my part to return to routine, and somewhere in there I get caught up in that devious game of “catch-up”.  Because I was gone for a month, I had to catch up with a lot of stuff and a lot of people, and in the meantime new stuff was coming up and I just kept sliding backwards in my time management. So then I try to do more than one thing at once and I end up in a mental, emotional and spiritual mess and there’s no way I can write with all that frustration and confusion going on!

So here I am again, in the moment, a little scared.  Are the words going to come?  Are the words going to flow?  Will I suddenly get stuck in the middle of a paragraph or a sentence and go back to being stifled?  Just the fact that I am here writing this posting is a hopeful sign for me.  I have so much I want to share.  A lot has taken place in my life since I last wrote, since my wonderful month-long vacation in Italy.  I believe I wrote one posting about Italy and I want to share some more of that experience.  I am back at school after the summer break and trying to feel my way into that new routine again – studying and homework. 

In September, right before returning to school, I experienced a three day guided silent retreat which was extraordinary. And in November Richard and I returned to our modest time share in Orlando for our traditional “week of respite” before the madness of “the Holidays” begins. During this period of silence I have also lost two very dear friends and need to share about that.

I have started to take Tai Chi and QiGong classes.  Actually this is a return to both of those two activities for me and I want to share how that “God-incidence” came about.  Suffice to say that I am feeling really good about it and my body is very grateful too.  And along with the Tai Chi and QiGong I somehow finally tried acupuncture.  There’s a whole story behind all this which is quite miraculous really. I have made it through the “Holiday period” without gaining any weight for the first time in I don’t know how many years – at least twenty!!  And that’s a miracle I need to share with you all.

For those of you who have waited patiently for my return – thank you.  For anyone new finding me as I share my journey and this adventure in writing – welcome.  I hope I will not disappoint any of you. 

Shared Wisdom: And The Words Keep Coming

It seems as though there is an endless supply of words in this world, and so many people can use them creatively.  They capture my attention and my heart.  Sometimes I feel a little envious when I experience the way some writers put their words together.  At times they seem to roll around in my mouth, at others they slip or trip off the tongue.  Sometimes they are clear and sharp, and at other times they are sweet and soft.  And then there are times when they seem to bounce off the page, dance in front of my eyes, shout to the skies, or create a quiet place like a chapel hush.  I just like words and what can be done with them.  Here are a few such groupings of words.


“Remember, you can’t reach for what’s in front of you until you let go of what’s behind you.”       Author unknown

“I always begin my prayer in silence, for it is in the silence of the heart that God speaks.  God is the friend of silence – we need to listen to God
  because it’s not what we say, but what God says to us and through us that matters.”                   Mother Teresa

“It is when God appears to have abandoned us that we must abandon ourselves most wholly to God.”       Francois Fenelon

“Rhythm is our universal mother tongue.  It’s the language of the soul.”          Gabrielle Roth

“There is no love without hope, no hope without love, and neither hope nor love without faith.”         St. Augustine

“God has given us two hands, one to receive with and the other to give with.”       Billy Graham

“Be patient enough to live one day at a time as Jesus taught us, letting yesterday go and leaving tomorrow till it arrives.”      John Newton

“Faith is like radar that sees through fog.”          Corrie ten Boom

“We can make art, letting the voice of the goddess – the oracle – speak through us in words and images.”      Dorothy Maclean

“The drum is sacred. Its round form represents the whole universe, and its steady beat is the pulse,
  the heart, throbbing at the center of the universe.”            Nick Black Elk

“Life is sacred.  Life is art.  Life is sacred art.”                Gabrielle Roth

“Learning is movement from moment to moment.”            Krishnamurti

“It doesn’t have to be a big fire, a small blaze, candlelight perhaps ……….”         Ray Bradbury

“Since it is very rare in our society to be personally sung to, this experience usually awakens
  the soul and speaks to the heart, helping that person to hear and sing their own song.”       Caitlin Matthews


Perhaps you would like to go back to the beginning and allow these words to slip and trip and roll around in your mouth.  Perhaps you can try reading them out loud, and as you do so, listen for the loud and the soft, the sharp and the sweet, and the possible chapel hush.  Enjoy and receive blessings.

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