Most of my life up to age thirty five was lived either in some bleak yesterday or in a fantasy tomorrow. Rarely did I live in today – in the present moment which, when you think about it, is really the only moment that we are truly assured of. This breathe, this moment.
My time and energy would be spent (wasted would probably be a better word to use!) rehashing some past event or conversation, trying to rearrange it in my mind – to my advantage, of course! Not only would I do this the day following the situation, several times in that day, but I would run a smorgasbord of variations on the theme for several days, even weeks. It was exhausting and totally non-productive.
I tell my friends, when I am recounting this bizarre past behaviour, that my mind was a veritable Steven Spielberg!! High drama, suspense, pathos, and melodrama along with revenge and sometimes murder or wicked torture, merged in an explosion of creative ideas. But then I am quick to point out that I did not exhibit one iota of Spielberg’s intelligence because I never made a dime from my creative mind.
This kind of explains another quirkiness that belongs to my past. You see I wanted to keep all that drama to myself (who knows why my crazy fingers just typed “myself” with an uppercase “M”????). It wasn’t meant for sharing with the general public. I just wanted to wallow in it all on my own. Perhaps my soul managed to make a secret of it because it knew just how insane all that drama was! Seriously, when I think of what went on in my mind sometimes I truly believe that if anyone knew I would have been committed.
Then, when I wasn’t trying to “fix” the past, I would spend hour upon hour dreaming up some marvelously romantic future for myself. There would always be a handsome man, lots of money, and a life full of leisure and pleasure involved, and I would rarely be living in my native country. Other geographical places would always seem far more exotic and far more suited to my sublimely wonderful self!!
Thank God I choose to live in the here and now today. There is such joy in just being aware that I am breathing – in, out, in, out. There is nothing I love more than to sit in my screened room and look at the trees, the birds, the flowers, the butterflies, and recognize that they are there, right now, and I can enjoy them. Have you ever sat still and watched a hummingbird hovering over a flower just two yards from your gaze? It is an absolute miracle of the Now.
Today my energy and time are devoted to the present moment. I no longer suffer mental and emotional exhaustion from the sheer effort of creativity with no true or tangible result. When I allow myself creative freedom today it is to really produce something – a card, a poem, a letter, a posting for my web page. And most importantly, my heart is peaceful and satisfied today.