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heartbreak

Musings: Unblocking Again

I have been in a “dry spell” again:-(.  And yet I have so much I want to write about.  So many things running around my head.  But it all seems stuck inside and I haven’t been able to release it.  It is so frustrating. So let me start somewhere and see if I can unblock something.

So much has happened in my life in the last couple of months. Oh nothing monumental or earth-shattering – just life.  But it has been so much more than the various bouts of sickness that I have had to contend with.  Towards the end of February we had an amazing Lenten Mission at our church.  A man fired with the Holy Spirit, Fr. Jim Curtin from Wisconsin, came and woke up a new spirit in our parish.  I will eventually write a full posting about that.

One morning in March (fortunately in one of my healthy periods!!), my husband suddenly experienced chest pains and was hospitalized.  I discovered through that experience that I have a weird way of dealing with unexpected shocking news when it involves my loved ones.  That’s another posting too.

Easter and the celebration of the risen Lord came around again.  With each year I become more and more aware of the passing of the seasons and the special church and State feast days and festivals.  And each one seems to come around faster and faster.  I am sure that this has something to do with what happens internally to us as we get older.  Food for another posting.

At the end of March we had the joy of a fleeting visit from my eldest son Marco.  He was flown from Naples, Italy to DC for a conference.  That was a chance not to pass up and so he came a couple of days early and we flew him down to Florida so we could snatch some time with him.  It was a happy time, yet tinged with sadness:  his ten year relationship with the love of his life is seemingly at an end.  The culprit? Words – those said in anger and those left unsaid.  I know in my heart that I can write something about that.

And then came my birthday.  Thank God by then I was done with being sick and I was able to celebrate with joy.  Dinner with friends one day.  Lunch with “the girls” another day.  Cards and telephone calls from family across the sea as well as those close by.  And wonderful gifts that showed just how much people cared.  Beautiful flowers from my husband.

Celebration followed celebration as Mother’s Day came just a week after my birthday.  What a day of bitter-sweet emotions.  Mother’s Day this year occurred on the fourteenth anniversary of the passing of my own mother.  I miss her so much.  I still have times when I want to telephone her to share a special moment.  I often think how she would have enjoyed a visit to my home here in America.

Again I received calls from my sons overseas.  My husband showered me with more flowers and a lovely card.  And of course my “baby”, my beautiful daughter Melissa, also telephoned.  I was out in the garden and had just seen three butterflies in quick succession.  They are my special connection to my mother but almost always cause the tears to flow. 

I shared my memory of my mother with Melissa and we both cried some together.  Between the tears she said, “I wish I could spend the day with you Mum”. But we both know that while she makes the choices that she makes today, that cannot be possible.  And my heart is broken all over again.  Sometimes being a mother just plains sucks!!

In the last few days I have realized that much of this being blocked, of my inability to write, is connected to this particular heartbreak.  I have to put so much energy into staying upbeat, into not walking around looking miserable, that I have no energy left for play dates with my internal Muse.  By the end of the day it leaves me totally exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

So now I have to figure out a way to break through this situation so that I can reclaim my inspiration, my time with the Muse.  Perhaps I have taken a small step in this direction this week.  I have found a support group that may help me to walk through the difficulty in my relationship with my daughter.  Then I hope to free myself and my energy and move back into daily regular writing.     

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