Musings: Dealing With My Frustration

I know that talking things through with someone helps to diminish the hold that anything that is frustrating me or causing me anger or resentment has on me.  Writing also helps in the same way.  So here goes.  Whether I’ll be able to post is another matter, and that’s where my present frustration is coming from.

I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve given up trying to understand why this happens.  It’s not that I have nothing to write about.  I have been keeping, and adding to, a small list of topics that I want to express my feelings about. But something is getting in the way.  The weather has been gorgeous lately.  We have been enjoying the best Florida spring weather – no grey, no de-pressing stuff going on outside, so that’s not the issue.

Now that I think about it, maybe there is still an issue connected to the weather that’s been keeping me from writing, but it’s the reverse of dealing with the de-pressing grey.  It’s been so perfectly beautiful outside of late that I have been called into the garden and have struggled to balance my time outside with all the other things that I want/am committed to do.

It has been really amazing to watch the garden come to life after the long cold winter.  It seems as though with each passing year I become more aware of the transformation that takes place as plants come back to life, buds appear, then full foliage and flowers blossom out.  The Confederate Jasmine, that I planted as two very small 20-inch tall plants at the base of the front supporting columns of my old gazebo two years ago, has now grown into thick, lush greenery that covers both 8-foot tall columns and trails upwards onto two of the roof supports and is also quite thick as it meets across the front horizontal bar.  It is also full of flowers which I hope will last so that I can see them and enjoy them when I return from this trip.

And therein lies another source of frustration.  I have been travelling on and off since 28 March.  Being out of my normal habitat and routine is always somewhat disconcerting and disruptive, and I haven’t yet learned to handle that with total grace and acceptance.  I drove up to Newport News, VA back then to spend a few days with my son who was there from Italy to attend a work related conference.  It was a gift that I had no intention of passing up.  We had a great three days hanging out together.  On the way home from there, I was then able to stop in Fayetteville, NC to spend an afternoon and night-over with my dear sister-friend LeeAnn.  She and I never waste time on pleasantries, diving deep into our sharing from the heart and soul which allows us to broaden, deepen, and strengthen our relationship on all levels, especially the spiritual level.  Another enormous gift for which I am truly grateful.

Arriving back in Florida after that trip, I had three days to catch-up (I always say that with tongue in cheek because, how on earth do you catch up with time that has already passed??).  So it was a flurry of unpacking and keeping up with some commitments that were on my calendar, before I then had to pack for the trip that I am presently “enjoying” ( barring bad internet connections – grrrrrr!) with my husband.

And therein lies the ultimate frustration.  Yesterday evening I had the first real longing, desire, to do some creative writing.  I sat down eagerly in front of my computer and – nothing.  I don’t mean nothing would come out on the page.  I mean nothing would come up on the computer.  No worries, I have my resident computer technician travelling with me, no?  But after checking things out he told me that there was nothing he could do.  There simply was no internet connection and he had no control over that.  Talk abut frustration!!!

As well as the creative writing I felt called to do, I also had a bunch of emails I wanted to send out, and there were several things that I wanted to check out on Google.  I was stuck.  Couldn’t do a thing.  So I called it a day and picked up a book and decided to read.  But the frustration was there, bubbling under the surface and even though I checked in with God and asked for inner peace, I guess I was wanting to hang onto the frustration and wallow in it for a bit because it was still there this morning, and so was the lack of connectivity!!!!!!!.

Rich has struggled all morning to give me some connection, but it has been been frustrating for him too.  Right now I have no idea if I have connection or not, but I did learn (thank God I can always learn something), that I can at least access my Live Writer programme and get the words out and down, and in doing so I have released some of the frustration.  Whether I will be able to post my writing is another matter, but at least it’s ready to go if and when we get a connection.